I dearly appreciate those of you who've peeked in, noticed my absence or the mess of the last entries, and emailed me or left comments. This has been a month of numbness, of treading hot water. Every time I've looked at this journal, with the idea of posting something wry and witty, or even informational, I've drawn a complete blank. I just stare at the page...which is definitely not a good sign for a writer.
The same has happened with my own writing, the book that's been waiting so long for me to finish and submit. Today, I got yet another rejection, so that my be the impetus I need to move forward...one of those kick-in-the-pants moments writers sometimes need to get their butt in gear.
We can hope, anyway. :)
The last couple of months have been a roller coaster ride, starting with my signing a contract on a house. Just as I was about to finalize the loan papers and get ready for closing, the company I work for phased out my job.
Poof. Just like that, the paycheck that was to cover the house was gone...or would be, as of April 1.
What would you do? Cancel the contract? Go back to freelancing? Look for another job that would pay as well and have the same flexibility and understanding about Rachel? Move ahead and trust that the company would help you find another job?
Trust. There's that word again.
I did a LOT of praying. And crying. And begging. And praying. And I dropped into the darkest valley I've been in for a long time, virtually unable to make a rational decision. I also became one of the whiniest creatures on the planet. It consumed me...which is why I stopped blogging. I don't like the whiney me. And I want this blog to be mostly about writing, not my mountains and valleys.
Yet in this case, they are related. All that consumed me had to do with my career and its direction. This time the trigger was work. And the romantic but deluded ideas about the creativity of a depressed artist are just that...an illusion. I don't work, I have trouble creating, when I'm depressed. Yet the episode also made me take a second look at my faith and my TRUST in God.
As I told a friend...trusting Him for the groceries turns out to be much easier than trusting Him for a house or a job--and I don't know why. Why over the past five years have I trusted Him so much yet now I freeze? Is it because the things I needed then were so small? Can I not trust Him for the GREAT as well as the small?
It has been a wake-up call.
I have landed softly. A new job is in place. I'm in the house. And I'm writing again. Pages and pages and pages.
But I still have a lot of work to do.