I hope it's allergies. A number of folks at the Blue Ridge conference were sniffing around with colds, but I'm hoping it's been long enough that if I were going to catch them, it would have happened before 4:30 this morning, when I woke up with a drum in my head and a desperate need for tissue.
Ah ha! A new excuse NOT to write!!
Not true. After all, I am dressed and ready for work (almost). Just waiting for my sinuses to settle enough for my contacts and for Phyllis to arrive for Rach. And yesterday, my productivity was stirred by just plain old work--getting organized for the next conference, working with one of my freelancers, and getting a presentation ready.
It felt good, as I knew it would. I always feel better about myself and my life when I'm writing, producing, getting those words and characters out of my head and on to the screen.
Time to do more. And take some vitamins and ingest a bit of protein. And maybe even a little bit of chicken soup.
Ah, those words that come back to haunt you...
Many years ago, I learned a valuable lesson from friend Marilee. One night, when I was going through one of my darkest depressions and bewailing God's silent response to my prayers, she asked me simply, "Are you sure you're praying for the right thing?"
Hm. That had just not occurred to me. After all, I wanted what was best for Rachel and me, right? Don't I know best?
Uh-huh. Talk about a cold slap of reality. HIS will, remember? We're to pray for HIS will. I changed my prayers, and I was astonished by the results. I cherished her for that. Still do. Even wrote about her in the Secrets of Confidence book.
So...now God has been silent for awhile on something I've been struggling with, which--if you've been a steady reader here--you've probably seen before.
Do I stay in CBA or pitch my work to the secular market?
Human advice has been fruitless. Mostly they start with "Well, what do YOU want to do?" I DON'T KNOW--that's the problem. I want to do both--and know I can't because of the restrictions of the marketplace. I have to focus, and I'd hoped the trip to the mountains would help.
And it did, somewhat. Being with other Christian writers helped focus my own desires, as did McNair Wilson's keynotes. One of the things I did realize is that my "frozen" sense is rooted in pure, unadulterated fear. Because what I want to do doesn't "fit" anywhere, I'm marbled through with the realization that if I follow my heart, it'll never sell.
Let's add to the struggle evidence that if I follow the guidelines like a good girl, I'll continue to sell.
Brrr....and here I sit, not selling ANYthing. And I hear my own words (and Marilee's) coming back 'round and 'round: Pray for His will and follow your heart.
A scary prospect on both fronts, y'know?
Yesterday was another bust of a writing day; the blog entry was the most expressive I've been in a while. I'm not blocked, not in the traditional sense of being unable to create ideas or put words on the screen. Nor am I distracted by "other things"--laundry, listening, or life.
Instead, I seem to be enclosed in a fog. The ideas are there; the words are there. Yet I feel a strange numbness, almost a dissociation from life. As if I'm watching someone else walk through the house, pull a few weeds, take care of my daughter. I don't write because I don't care. Ambition is shot. All I want to do is sleep, and I hear myself try to explain how exhausted I am from the trip.
But I do know the symptoms for what they are. I've lived with them too long. They are the edge, the spiraling tendrils of a darkness that will consume me if I let it. I know what to do. I just haven't done it.
As bland as yesterday was, I did take the first steps; I got out in the light. It's been sunny here for a few days, and sunlight helps. It warms the spirit and mind as well as the body. Prayer. I even read a chapter in Rob's book.
And writing. I must write. Writing pushes the darkness back like nothing else. Strange, huh, that the one thing that helps most is the one thing I'm most likely not to do when those distancing fingers pull me away from life.
So the plan for today is to work on the house a tad (I have a friend coming over for lunch), then work on an submission for one of the upcoming God Allows U-Turns books. Allison Bottke is a friend, and we talked this past week about my writing and her upcoming books. I need to do this. Then...back to the novels.
And we'll see what happens next.
Nothing makes a six-hour drive go faster than a good book. And, no, I wasn't reading behind the wheel. This time, Edna Buchanan's Cold Case Squad on CD picked me up, hooked me in, and the timing was perfect. I started it just after I hit I-40 and I reached Black Mountain, NC, almost halfway through. On the way back, the end came just as I got off the highway in Hermitage.
As much as I love music, I only wanted silence after, to absorb the last of Ms. Buchanan's words and drink in her craft. After all, I'd just spent four days drinking in the craft, surrounded by writers and creative spirits, those of us whose brains work just a little differently from the rest of the world.
My friend, Eva Marie Everson, a best-selling CBA author who got me onto the faculty at the conference, had warned me that it was one of the best in the nation, and that I'd be exhausted and mentally spent...yet charged...when it was over. She was right, and I've been in a bit of a fog since, trying to find ground again.
Going back to work was almost like starting over--I can't believe how much about our internal process I'd forgotten over those days away, and I walked into a bit of a firestorm, which was a blunt re-awakening to my "day job." I've fought a deep drop in emotion, almost a depressive episode, which is so akin to a "post-project slump" that I'm a bit amazed.
Maybe I shouldn't be. Life on the mountaintop is exhilirating, even though we can't live there forever. Still, it has put a touch of kindling to the excitement I'd already felt about the NEXT conference.
On June 8, I head for Amarillo for the Frontiers in Writing conference, where I'll reconnect with a friend I've only seen a few times since college, although we've talked on the phone a lot. Sharon and I always had a lot in common, and in the 20+ plus years since college, I thought those commonalities would fall away since we've been following vastly different paths in our lives. Oddly, not only have they not...we seem to have more in common than ever. Clearly, a God thing at work.
More later. In the meantime...if you're a writer and haven't hit a conference yet...what are you waiting for?
I think I've written before about my friend's description of the creative drive, that burning sense within us that makes us write, paint, landscape. She describes it as a dragon that sits on your shoulder, demanding to be fed. And when not given that "food" - the act of creation - it behaves just like a dragon...eating away at your innards until you think you're going mad.
Thus the reason that writer's block can be so devastating to some people. It can result in depression, just as depression can result in a block.
I am not currently blocked; I'm stifled. I have so many other responsibilities on my plate that consume time, mind, and energy, that there's very little writing going on. And that dragon is making nasty noises, becoming more demanding by the day.
I'm hoping to feed it this weekend...and at the conference.
More later.
That agent didn't like Murder, but he did ask to see a proposal on another project. He thinks it's the more distinctive. We'll see.
In other areas of my life, the hamster wheel continues. HOWEVER, this weekend, I'm headed for the Blue Ridge Christian Writers Conference, just beyond Asheville in lovely North Carolina. I'll be there for four days, teaching and learning. LOTS of learning, I hope. I'll get to see some of my writer-friends who I usually only see at CBA or other conferences, so that's a true joy. Although it creates a bit of stress with the rest of my work, I'm going to use the time to refresh and renew.
I need a LOT of renewal. My life seems too out of control, which may be my own control-freak issue :), but I do need to calm my butt down some and not be so frantic with things I can't change. I've started reading Rob Morgan's book The Red Sea Rules, which is stirring some serious thoughts about trust and patience. Highly recommended.
More later. Right now, I have a presentation to prepare.